How to Pick a World Cup Team When You Have Never Watched a Soccer Game

The first answer to that is pretty obvious, and it is the United States, full stop. But the USMNT plays three group games while this tournament plays 104, and the whole point of hosting one is having a reason to care about two countries you have never even visited, playing on a random Tuesday. One week in, and the group stage has handed us some pretty dramatic outcomes. The 7-1 demolition, a couple of upsets, and a tiny island scoring its first World Cup goal, so the bandwagon still has seats open. Climbing aboard requires no soccer knowledge whatsoever, only honesty about what kind of fan you are.

If you love an underdog, this tournament stocked the shelves. Curaçao, a Caribbean island of 156,000, is the smallest nation ever to qualify for a World Cup, coached by Dick Advocaat, a 78-year-old Dutchman living the adventure of his life. They ran into a buzzsaw and lost 7-1 to Germany, but not before Livano Comenencia scored the first World Cup goal in its history. Winger Kenji Gorré says it’s “an impossibility that it made possible,” about as good a reason to pick a team as any, and they have a winnable game against Ecuador on Saturday. Cape Verde is an even better story: half a million islanders who held mighty Spain to a 0-0 draw in their first-ever World Cup match. Haiti is back since 1974 and plays Brazil on Saturday, and the result for either of them is the story of the summer.

If you prefer a farewell tour, the next aisle has two of the biggest names the sport has ever produced. Lionel Messi turns 39 here and is on his last ride with defending champion Argentina, which opens their title defense against Algeria tonight and remains the team to beat. Cristiano Ronaldo is still terrorizing defenses for Portugal at 40, and watching either means telling people you saw greatness before it goes. If beginnings appeal more, Erling Haaland plays in his first World Cup, with Norway back for the first time since 1998, and he scores goals at a rate that translates to any sport you watch.

If you enjoy suffering with a payoff attached, England has spent six decades insisting this is the year, and that fan base is the closest soccer gets to a cursed program. Brazil chases a record sixth title with a doubtful squad, while Spain and Argentina are seeded, so they can only meet in the final, making either a sturdy pick if you just want to win. Spain dropping two points to Cape Verde is the early wobble that makes next month interesting.

If none of that moves you, then pick with your eyes. Watch ten minutes of any match and pick the jersey you would actually wear to a barbecue, or back the sideline coach closest to a complete breakdown, where Thomas Tuchel pacing for England and Mauricio Pochettino living every USMNT possession are strong contenders. No wrongdoing here, only flavors of the same month-long fever

However, a few rules apply. You don’t get to support a team playing against the United States; you must ride with us through the knockout rounds, and you get on a transfer if your team goes home, because even bandwagons have standards.

The final is set for July 19 in New Jersey, and somebody reading this might end up screaming at a television for a country they could not have placed on a map three weeks ago. That is not a problem to avoid. It’s the best thing this tournament does, and the whole reason it comes to your time zone.